Thinking of you Rene, during this most holy of weeks. I am thankful for a great deal. For my family, for our home and food, for the work that sustains our lives, for our friends. Life tastes a bit different though, without you. Somehow blander, not so spicy. I know you want me to find the spice again, because you always found a way to spread it around to those who needed to be lifted up or energized. I promise to continue to work on that, and I hope that others are able to recover as well.
The pain of living without Rene doesn't really seem to leave, as I thought it would. It doesn't really even fade. I have just gotten more used to it than I was on August the 9th...but not so used to it that it doesn't still feel foreign. It nags at me in the back of my mind, and tugs at my soul. I suppose that is what people were describing in various books I have read, when writing about death, and how it makes us stronger. It is a burden somehow, a weight on the living, knowing that they will not see their loved one again, until they themselves are standing before the Lord. Grief is a new muscle that one must develop and use. You cannot go around it, you must go through it. You must own it. You must let it be a part of you.
Cooper still asks me when he will get to visit Grandma in heaven. I want to scream "NEVER!" because the idea of a 3 yr old in heaven scares me. But then I remember that he will be with Jesus, the greatest reward of all, and I tell him that one day, he will get to visit Grandma. One day we will all get to visit with her, and be in the presence of The Lord, together. I am thankful for that today, but also thankful that I am right where I am, grief and all.
Happy Good Friday, Holy week, Passover, Easter to all! Thinking of you and your amazing love and community. I hope that you all join me in thinking of Rene today as well.
Lots of love,
Kristen Sanders
Friday, April 22, 2011
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Happy Birthday Rene!
Today was a day of celebration, remembrance and sadness as we found ourselves trying to spend Rene’s 50th Birthday in a way we thought she would have enjoyed.
This morning we woke up, packed the car with our two children and Max, our 3rd “child for a day” then waited until the familiar Blue Rav-4 pulled up outside our house. Except this time it was different, the car was dirtier then Rene would like, and she did not get out and greet us with her familiar bubbly smile. She always kept a car duster on hand, swiping the odd grime from the hood before leaving, taking pride in the shiny little SUV. But we felt like the car looked, a little sad, a little clouded, and missing that sparkle Rene brought to our lives. Cooper yelled Grandpa! As Chris emerged from the car and we quickly inserted a large coffee into his hand as he got into ours. “Happy-Hollow!…Happy-Hollow!…Happy-Hollow!” Chimed the back seat as our destination was revealed and the car thundered off towards the freeway.
Today we celebrated the way Rene always did….by making it about everyone else, not just her. The joy she had spending time with Cooper and Addison was always the best gift she would say, relishing every moment. So we burst through the gates of the zoo and quickly immersed ourselves in new rides, animals, snacks, treats, sun, dragons, bugs and a forest of slides and towers. It was a long day, but everyone left with a smile, having enjoyed watching, playing, eating and being a family.
Later we joined up again, this time at a favorite Sushi restaurant that Rene enjoyed so much, and it was too much. We all cried a little and felt the weight of her absence and toasted to her, our Rene and we felt her next to us, a familiar place, chair beckoning to be filled. We shared stories with Judy, Rene’s “Sushi-Sister” whom was always asking about us, had another round of Sake, and finished with ice cream at Cold Stone, a true birthday dinner that Rene would have loved.
We love you Rene, and as Cooper said tonight; “Mommy, don’t be sad, Rene is up in Heaven, She is having fun activities and playing like at Happy Hollow.” Thank you Cooper.
Happy Birthday Rene,
Love, -Jay
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Eulogy
For many of you, Rene was a wife, a friend, a daughter, a neighbor, a coworker, a mentor...To be she was "ney", my Ney. As I sat down to pen my thoughts about how she impacted me as a mom, I thought about the way in which she embodied the fruits of the Spirit, and the ways in which she demonstrated them to me throughout our relationship. I saw goodness in her throughout her life, often demonstrated in subtle ways, when no one was looking. She made a choice to bring goodness into her actions, her insights, her heart...
Peace and Patience: Rene adopted me even before she walked down the isle with my dad. She was a warm beacon in my life from very early on. I was 13 years old and was immediately struck by how easy it was to talk with her, or just be near her. We started our relationship out slowly, casually getting to know each other, sharing light conversations during our visits. We moved carefully at the beginning, aware that this connection was important and needed to be approached with caution. Rene was patient with this shy teenager who had not yet found her voice, and spent a great deal of time trying to be invisible and blend in with the crowd. She worked patiently to disarm the layers of armor that guarded my adolescent heart, through hours of conversations over chicken casserole and warm chocolate chip cookies. She knew she was Dad’s “other woman”, and courted a cordial friendship at first, waiting as we rounded the bases of relationship building from pensive understanding to mutual respect.
Kindness and Joy: Over time (not that it was difficult) Rene quietly and confidently won the teenage girl over through her loving and consistent displays of affection. She was present. Always present. She showed up whenever I needed her and even when I did not realize I needed her, ready to not only participate, but lead with energy and a joyful spirit! Youth group gatherings, scavenger hunt birthdays, high school graduation, Christmas craft-making, weekend dates to watch Hello Dolly or Mary Poppins for the 10-Millionth time. She even asked me to be in her wedding, after my Dad and I proposed to her together (Dad on one knee and teenager sitting by nervously hoping to hear, “yes!”). She was always on time, and she always came to me with a smile on her face which said, “At this moment, you are the most important person to me in the world”! She had a way of extending this feeling to whomever she was focused on, in the moment. She paid attention to the details, wanting to know about the latest boy, or the latest life aspiration. She always remembered what I had to say, and more importantly, always showed me that cared and respected my voice. Mutual respect blossomed to love.
Temperance: I didn’t realize at the time, but Rene worked her quiet magic to help me find not only my voice, but to find my potential. She continuously encouraged me to speak my mind, to shout my mind if necessary, to pursue my dreams, to experience whatever aspects of life interested me. Rene had her fare share of adventures, but her heart was always with her home, her parent’s home, and her family. But she respected my “gypsy-like heart”, and helped me board planes to go live in England and Guatemala, never doubting my desire to see the world or experience adventures. She gave me the confidence to be a courageous woman no matter the situation I face, to take risks and enjoy making mistakes. While perhaps grimacing at over zealous young-adult decision making, hoping that the messes from poor choices wouldn’t take too long to clean up, “ney” conveyed to me every day that she never my intentions. She gave me the freedom to make my own choices, and respected those choices right or wrong. She told me that everything and everyone was on an even playing field, and I had one shot to make a move! Oh, and she also always taught me to eat dessert first! Love turned to deep love.
Love: Some of those choices lead me to major life milestones like marriage to Jay, a home purchase, job changes, and the birth of my children Addison and Cooper. Through each of these milestones, Rene has been both a beacon of wisdom and guidance, and a sounding board to find clarity as we made major life decisions, or struggled through the stages of managing the daily mayhem. As Jay and I both sprouted “parent” instincts and skills, I noticed too that both Rene and Dad were sprouting their own grandparent wings. Rene was ever present, delighting in the mundane moments of poopy diapers and organic baby carrots. She held those babies and kissed them until they were moldy! She would lay on the floor to play trains and cars with Cooper, or allow Addison to drool down her face as she laughed. She also developed a special bod with Jay, two kindred spirits who were destined for friendship! She dug in. All in. That’s the thing about Rene. She was all in, all the time. She loved us with a fierceness that I now find so difficult to put into words. To her, it was the whole package that made us perfect. The good qualities, and the not so good qualities combined are what make each of us whole and she wanted it all. This is the ultimate life lesson that I hope to teach my children. This is the quality that embodies Rene- Love unconditionally. Deep love grew to passionate love.
Faithfulness and Meekness: Rene was exactly what you saw and heard on a consistent basis. She loves her family with fervor and passion, loves her friends with loyalty and respect, and made all who knew her feel beloved and special. She was faithful to each of us until her final breath, reaching out from her bed to nurture our broken hearts in spite of her failing health. My favorite moments with her were spent once or twice a week in her living room when we managed to escape the others and could sit quietly and talk about whatever was on our hearts that day. Sometimes we reflected on the silliness of our spouses or a new developmental stage for Addi or Coop, or how much we appreciate our family, other times we needed to vent about something that was troubling or vexing. I always walked away feeling filled up with Rene. I knew that she would walk with me until I next saw or talked to her. The relationship that started out so sweetly as a pensive understanding grew to the love of a mother and a daughter. It is deep, passionate, respectful, humble, faithful and understanding love between two bossy and courageous women. She blossomed into the mother that she had hoped to be, and the mother that I had dreamed to have. I would like to hope that I in turn, through her teachings, blossomed into the daughter that filled her spirit with the love that she deserved. We had the amazing gift of being allowed to choose each other as mother and daughter, which made the bond stronger than I could ever have hoped it to be. We fell in love, as only a mother and child do and I will be forever grateful for my time here on earth with my dear “Ney”.
Be good to yourselves and try to make choices in your life than reflect the fruits of the Spirit the way that Rene so easily did. Choose love and remember to dig in…all in.
Monday, August 9, 2010
We invite you to celebrate the life of Rene Lepiane: Wednesday August 11 at 7:30PM
All-
On behalf of her parents, Albert and Elaine Lepiane, her husband, Christopher Newbury, her brother, Paul Lepiane and her children and grandchildren, Kristen, Jay, Cooper and Addison Sanders, and the faculty of Notre Dame High School, we invite you to join us for services to celebrate the life of our dear Rene Lepiane.
Please join us this Wednesday, August 11 at 7:30 PM at St. John Vianney Church in San Jose, CA:
St. John Vianney Church
4600 Hyland Avenue
San Jose, CA 95127
There will be a reception to follow with beverages provided in the church hall directly following the services.
As many of you know, Rene was very talented at accessorizing. She has a beautiful collection of pins, and wore a pin every time she dressed up. Please join me in wearing your favorite pin on Wednesday night in her honor. It will make her smile to know that she rubbed off a little "fashionista" on us all!
Finally, I want to thank the faculty at Notre Dame High School for helping Elaine to put together a beautiful mass, to the families who have and continue to provide meals to the family throughout this time, for the amazing cards, flowers, quilts, art work and blog posts that you sent to Rene (all of which we shared with her), and for the amazing outcry of support for Rene, her parents and husband, and the entire extended family. What an amazing community she built around her both in life and in death. A true testament to the kind of life that she lived!
Love,
Kristen Sanders
On behalf of her parents, Albert and Elaine Lepiane, her husband, Christopher Newbury, her brother, Paul Lepiane and her children and grandchildren, Kristen, Jay, Cooper and Addison Sanders, and the faculty of Notre Dame High School, we invite you to join us for services to celebrate the life of our dear Rene Lepiane.
Please join us this Wednesday, August 11 at 7:30 PM at St. John Vianney Church in San Jose, CA:
St. John Vianney Church
4600 Hyland Avenue
San Jose, CA 95127
There will be a reception to follow with beverages provided in the church hall directly following the services.
As many of you know, Rene was very talented at accessorizing. She has a beautiful collection of pins, and wore a pin every time she dressed up. Please join me in wearing your favorite pin on Wednesday night in her honor. It will make her smile to know that she rubbed off a little "fashionista" on us all!
Finally, I want to thank the faculty at Notre Dame High School for helping Elaine to put together a beautiful mass, to the families who have and continue to provide meals to the family throughout this time, for the amazing cards, flowers, quilts, art work and blog posts that you sent to Rene (all of which we shared with her), and for the amazing outcry of support for Rene, her parents and husband, and the entire extended family. What an amazing community she built around her both in life and in death. A true testament to the kind of life that she lived!
Love,
Kristen Sanders
A time for goodbyes
Dearest friends and family-
It is with a heavy heart that I write you tonight. Our dear Rene has passed, her life on earth now concluded, she moves to be with our Lord in heaven. She passed tonight around 11PM with her family gathered around her, loving her, letting her go.
Amidst my grief, I am reminded that this is a reason to rejoice. Rejoice in Rene. Rejoice in the full and delightful life that she led. Rejoice in the fact that she is now whole, healthy, safe, content, warm an loved. Rejoice in the life force that is such a gift to us all. I know that she would want us all to participate in the grieving process, because that means that we are alive! It means that we feel sorrow for the loss of our Rene, because she meant a great deal to us. Then, when we have shed our tears and our sorrow, she would tell us to pick ourselves up and keep going.
Be at peace, friends and family of Rene. Be at peace, because she is at peace. Take time to be quiet, to reflect on your own life and how Rene has touched that life. Take time to be quiet and reflect on the life force all around you, and how lucky we are to be alive. May you too be at peace and find contentment as Rene has found it.
With love,
Kristen
The Last Night That She Lived - Emily Dickinson
The last Night that She lived
It was a Common Night
Except the Dying -- this to Us
Made Nature different
We noticed smallest things --
Things overlooked before
By this great light upon our Minds
Italicized -- as 'twere.
As We went out and in
Between Her final Room
And Rooms where Those to be alive
Tomorrow were, a Blame
That Others could exist
While She must finish quite
A Jealousy for Her arose
So nearly infinite --
We waited while She passed --
It was a narrow time --
Too jostled were Our Souls to speak
At length the notice came.
She mentioned, and forgot --
Then lightly as a Reed
Bent to the Water, struggled scarce --
Consented, and was dead --
And We -- We placed the Hair --
And drew the Head erect --
And then an awful leisure was
Belief to regulate --
It is with a heavy heart that I write you tonight. Our dear Rene has passed, her life on earth now concluded, she moves to be with our Lord in heaven. She passed tonight around 11PM with her family gathered around her, loving her, letting her go.
Amidst my grief, I am reminded that this is a reason to rejoice. Rejoice in Rene. Rejoice in the full and delightful life that she led. Rejoice in the fact that she is now whole, healthy, safe, content, warm an loved. Rejoice in the life force that is such a gift to us all. I know that she would want us all to participate in the grieving process, because that means that we are alive! It means that we feel sorrow for the loss of our Rene, because she meant a great deal to us. Then, when we have shed our tears and our sorrow, she would tell us to pick ourselves up and keep going.
Be at peace, friends and family of Rene. Be at peace, because she is at peace. Take time to be quiet, to reflect on your own life and how Rene has touched that life. Take time to be quiet and reflect on the life force all around you, and how lucky we are to be alive. May you too be at peace and find contentment as Rene has found it.
With love,
Kristen
The Last Night That She Lived - Emily Dickinson
The last Night that She lived
It was a Common Night
Except the Dying -- this to Us
Made Nature different
We noticed smallest things --
Things overlooked before
By this great light upon our Minds
Italicized -- as 'twere.
As We went out and in
Between Her final Room
And Rooms where Those to be alive
Tomorrow were, a Blame
That Others could exist
While She must finish quite
A Jealousy for Her arose
So nearly infinite --
We waited while She passed --
It was a narrow time --
Too jostled were Our Souls to speak
At length the notice came.
She mentioned, and forgot --
Then lightly as a Reed
Bent to the Water, struggled scarce --
Consented, and was dead --
And We -- We placed the Hair --
And drew the Head erect --
And then an awful leisure was
Belief to regulate --
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Happy Heart
I had the privilege of seeing Rene and spending some special time with her yesterday. As Kristen and Jay have mentioned, she is communicating more with her eyes and gestures than she is with words, yet nothing has been lost in this way of communicating. We all know Rene to be such a stellar communicator and because of this, somehow, there is more depth and more meaning in the few words that she does choose to say and the gestures she makes.
I am so humbled and honored to be considered a part of the family and I feel it so powerfully in times like this. When I drove over yesterday, I wasn't sure whether I would even be able to see her for more than just a minute or two, but I wanted to be close, if even for a short time. My time with Rene was so special, and the words that were shared between us will stay with me forever. I have been having a hard time trying to sort out the emotions that arise when I recall our conversation and time together. There are many, but the following three keep coming to the forefront.
I experience sadness. Sadness that Rene won't be with us, physically, every day. Sadness that Kristen, who is more like a sister to me than my own, will not have her mom here to live life with every day - and all that that entails. Sadness that Christopher is losing his best friend and wife. Sadness that her dear cousin Nancy, is losing her best friend and 'sister'. Sadness that Honey and Al are losing their baby girl. There is much to be sad about, yet, even in the midst of this sadness, there is so much more to be thankful for and so much more to focus on.
I am experience pride. Pride in being able to call this woman 'mom' and friend. Pride in knowing that she has lived and IS living with so much love - when we are trying to lavish it upon her, she is lavishing it upon us. Pride in knowing and reading how she has touched each of your lives. Pride (and maybe a twinge of jealousy) in knowing that she will be before Jesus soon.
I am experience awe. Awe of WHO Rene is, not only in my life, but in the lives of so many of you. Awe of the woman she is, the friend, the wife, and the mother she is. What an amazing mother she has been to Kristen - and to me, and to so many. Awe of the pillar that she is in the family. Awe that she is choosing to live this life, her last moments of it, with such love and such grace. Awe that in the face of tragedy she is exhibiting strength and peace - and in turn she is giving strength and peace.
While I will not share all of what we talked about in my time with her, I did, however, want to share a bit of it. The moment I walked in her room, she opened her eyes and raised her hand for me to hold. She focused her eyes on me and instantly all I could do was tell her how much I love her, how proud of her I am, how amazing she is and her response was, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I thanked her for being such a fabulous mom to Kristen, which I know she loved hearing as she said, "Love. Love. Love." I prayed for her. I told her about all of you...how many people love her and how many people are thinking of and praying for her and she put her hand on her heart. I asked, "Do you have a happy heart right now?" (that is something I ask my 3 1/2 year old daughter quite often and Rene always loved that saying). She nodded and continued to pat her heart and hold my hand. She really does have a happy heart.
She is choosing her happy heart by choosing love. She is continuing to love all of us (you included) in this time. You give her a happy heart. I think it is safe to say that she has and continues to give all of us happy hearts. Rene doesn't want us to be sad. She wants us to choose joy, to choose love, and to choose a happy heart. It is much easier said than done, living this simple statement, and choosing a happy heart. But we can choose these things, now and in the future. We can choose to live each day to the fullest and with great joy and love. When we do this, we are honoring Rene and the person she is.
Thank you for your love and support of the family, and thank you for being part of Rene's life. Your thoughts, prayers, notes, and comments have been so encouraging. For those of you who have asked, there are tangible ways to help. Please note the support tabs on the side bar. If you have any pictures of Rene, any pictures at all, please pass them along to Kristen. They are going to make a book or slide show of Rene's life. And what a rich life it has been! If you would like to donate financially, you can do so, (anonymously if you choose), by clicking the donate button. If you would like to provide a meal for the family, please click on the link in the meal support tab. Please do continue to pray, send letters, and place comments. Rene receives them all.
Here's to choosing a happy heart when we would rather choose anger and sadness!
We love you Rene!
I am so humbled and honored to be considered a part of the family and I feel it so powerfully in times like this. When I drove over yesterday, I wasn't sure whether I would even be able to see her for more than just a minute or two, but I wanted to be close, if even for a short time. My time with Rene was so special, and the words that were shared between us will stay with me forever. I have been having a hard time trying to sort out the emotions that arise when I recall our conversation and time together. There are many, but the following three keep coming to the forefront.
I experience sadness. Sadness that Rene won't be with us, physically, every day. Sadness that Kristen, who is more like a sister to me than my own, will not have her mom here to live life with every day - and all that that entails. Sadness that Christopher is losing his best friend and wife. Sadness that her dear cousin Nancy, is losing her best friend and 'sister'. Sadness that Honey and Al are losing their baby girl. There is much to be sad about, yet, even in the midst of this sadness, there is so much more to be thankful for and so much more to focus on.
I am experience pride. Pride in being able to call this woman 'mom' and friend. Pride in knowing that she has lived and IS living with so much love - when we are trying to lavish it upon her, she is lavishing it upon us. Pride in knowing and reading how she has touched each of your lives. Pride (and maybe a twinge of jealousy) in knowing that she will be before Jesus soon.
I am experience awe. Awe of WHO Rene is, not only in my life, but in the lives of so many of you. Awe of the woman she is, the friend, the wife, and the mother she is. What an amazing mother she has been to Kristen - and to me, and to so many. Awe of the pillar that she is in the family. Awe that she is choosing to live this life, her last moments of it, with such love and such grace. Awe that in the face of tragedy she is exhibiting strength and peace - and in turn she is giving strength and peace.
While I will not share all of what we talked about in my time with her, I did, however, want to share a bit of it. The moment I walked in her room, she opened her eyes and raised her hand for me to hold. She focused her eyes on me and instantly all I could do was tell her how much I love her, how proud of her I am, how amazing she is and her response was, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I thanked her for being such a fabulous mom to Kristen, which I know she loved hearing as she said, "Love. Love. Love." I prayed for her. I told her about all of you...how many people love her and how many people are thinking of and praying for her and she put her hand on her heart. I asked, "Do you have a happy heart right now?" (that is something I ask my 3 1/2 year old daughter quite often and Rene always loved that saying). She nodded and continued to pat her heart and hold my hand. She really does have a happy heart.
She is choosing her happy heart by choosing love. She is continuing to love all of us (you included) in this time. You give her a happy heart. I think it is safe to say that she has and continues to give all of us happy hearts. Rene doesn't want us to be sad. She wants us to choose joy, to choose love, and to choose a happy heart. It is much easier said than done, living this simple statement, and choosing a happy heart. But we can choose these things, now and in the future. We can choose to live each day to the fullest and with great joy and love. When we do this, we are honoring Rene and the person she is.
Thank you for your love and support of the family, and thank you for being part of Rene's life. Your thoughts, prayers, notes, and comments have been so encouraging. For those of you who have asked, there are tangible ways to help. Please note the support tabs on the side bar. If you have any pictures of Rene, any pictures at all, please pass them along to Kristen. They are going to make a book or slide show of Rene's life. And what a rich life it has been! If you would like to donate financially, you can do so, (anonymously if you choose), by clicking the donate button. If you would like to provide a meal for the family, please click on the link in the meal support tab. Please do continue to pray, send letters, and place comments. Rene receives them all.
Here's to choosing a happy heart when we would rather choose anger and sadness!
We love you Rene!
Gratitude and gestures
Thank you all for the outpouring of support, love and compassion. So many of you have visited over the last few weeks and so many more wish they could have. Rene knows that everyone is with her, supporting and celebrating her life and accomplishments from all over the world. We are surrounding her with our prayers, love and strength which continues to bolster her spirits, but she is often quietly sleeping.
As she completes her journey here on earth i am reminded of the circle of life, and how connected we are from birth to beyond. Rene relies on gestures now, signals and communications with her hands, as her voice often escapes her, but her hands and grasp still communicate the great strenght we have seen from her for so many years. I am reminded by the similarities to our 9 month old's waving and flapping that we call "sign language", as she learns to ask for "more", or "all done". They may be simple, but these two words and gestures can be used for communication, combining both emotion and desire, and Rene still does this beautifully, teaching her little Addison even without her voice.
Thank you all for the continued support and enormous outpouring of love. We love you all and appreciate all that you have done, and know there are many of us that have met for the first time, but are immediately bonded by our love for the amazing woman we have had the privilege to know.
We love you Rene
Love,
Jay
As she completes her journey here on earth i am reminded of the circle of life, and how connected we are from birth to beyond. Rene relies on gestures now, signals and communications with her hands, as her voice often escapes her, but her hands and grasp still communicate the great strenght we have seen from her for so many years. I am reminded by the similarities to our 9 month old's waving and flapping that we call "sign language", as she learns to ask for "more", or "all done". They may be simple, but these two words and gestures can be used for communication, combining both emotion and desire, and Rene still does this beautifully, teaching her little Addison even without her voice.
Thank you all for the continued support and enormous outpouring of love. We love you all and appreciate all that you have done, and know there are many of us that have met for the first time, but are immediately bonded by our love for the amazing woman we have had the privilege to know.
We love you Rene
Love,
Jay
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Dreams and smiles
Kristen and i found ourselves very emotional today as we read some of the stories you have all shared about our Rene. We have so many memories, moments and periods in our lives where she has impacted and guided us; our wedding, my graduation, the birth of our 2 children, and helping paint our first home to name a few. Today we realized that in everyone of those moments she was somehow able to make us smile, even in the hard times. But today we also realize that Rene is always in our hearts, has a hand on our shoulder or passes a word of advice, encouragement and insight in our dreams, and experiences. She has always been there, and will continue to influence not only us, but our friends and children for many many years.
Her heart is as big as it ever was, and it seems even with the cancer trying to push it out of the way her wit, smiles, love and caring soul prevails. She is fighting for every moment now, her mind fast outliving the body god gave her for her time on earth. We cannot fight back tears, as we pray for her and our family.
we love you Rene
Her heart is as big as it ever was, and it seems even with the cancer trying to push it out of the way her wit, smiles, love and caring soul prevails. She is fighting for every moment now, her mind fast outliving the body god gave her for her time on earth. We cannot fight back tears, as we pray for her and our family.
we love you Rene
Slipping Away
Friends and family-
I wanted to prepare you all by letting you know that Rene is slowly slipping away. When she came home from the hospital, she decided to stay in the livingroom on the reclining chair. She felt that going into the hospital bed in her room would be saved for the end days of her life. She has now moved from the chair to her bed and is struggling to take in liquids. Food is no longer of interest to her, and words are very difficult to form at this point.
I spend a few minutes pondering words and language this evening. The use of words is a very earthly utility. When one has a foot beyond this earth, words no longer seem to contain significance.
Rene is very keenly aware of her space and still enjoys the sounds of the family around her. We now gather on the porch outside her room, or read her the beautiful cards that you have sent to her. I spent some time in prayer with her this evening and she squeezed my hand as I talked about the many beautiful things that she has seen and accomplished in her lifetime including bicycling through Australia, teaching so many kindergartners in PE, empowering the many young people that she came accross ,(American Cancer society, Sun Microsystems, San Jose State, Girl Scouts of America and Notre Dame High School, among many others) to do great things and find their potential (I am definitely one of them!), defining her own family unit through her marriage to Christopher (Dad), and her amazing motherhood of me (daughter) through the way that she nurtured and challenged us and her grandchildren, watching the birth of my daughter Addison, and many more amazing memories. We gave thanks for the opportunity to truly LIVE in 50 years the way many won't even live in 90.
Rene has also been an undeniably fantastic wife and even through this troubled time, she has encouraged my dad to live a full and create, happy life until they are together again in heaven. She continues to look after her family including her parents and brother through this trying time. Just last night she was mostly asleep, but still managed to hear Cooper accross the room (and out of sight) tinkering with Honey's figurines, and reminded him to move away from them! She is still grandparenting at the end! That is Rene for ya! Most recently, she has given those closest to her a renewed perspective on life, and fueled each of our enthusiasm for how we live each day. She hasn't complained through this experience, but rather has furvently searched for peace. And peace is where she is tonight.
I can tell by the look in her eyes that she is ready to go. She is clearly uncomfortable with the heaviness of her body, and is almost ready to leave us for her heavenly home. She has reached acceptance and is now looking forward to being with God and seeing her big brother Mark, who will likely tease her for the next eternity! She is still not in pain (A little discomfort) and has only had the need for a tiny bit of morophine each night to sleep. She prefers to be as lucid as possible while she is awake, so that she can breath in the sights and sounds of those around her. In a nutshell, that is our Rene. Always wanting to take in everything around her, to meet the stranger sitting next to her, or squeeze her parents and grandchildren. As my dad put it, "she is a bright shining star who burned so bright, that she faded more quickly than most".
Please be at peace as you prepare yourself, knowing that Rene has lived an amazing (be it short) life here on this earth.
P.S. Your cards and blog posts have been amazing. We have been reading them each to her and she has a smile for all of you! Suzy Purnell- your "F**K Cancer" card was hilarious and definitely gave her a good laugh! It also got me to say "F**K" two times which were the first and last times she has ever heard me curse!!! :)I felt that under the circumstances, it was appropriate!
More soon.
Love,
Kristen
I wanted to prepare you all by letting you know that Rene is slowly slipping away. When she came home from the hospital, she decided to stay in the livingroom on the reclining chair. She felt that going into the hospital bed in her room would be saved for the end days of her life. She has now moved from the chair to her bed and is struggling to take in liquids. Food is no longer of interest to her, and words are very difficult to form at this point.
I spend a few minutes pondering words and language this evening. The use of words is a very earthly utility. When one has a foot beyond this earth, words no longer seem to contain significance.
Rene is very keenly aware of her space and still enjoys the sounds of the family around her. We now gather on the porch outside her room, or read her the beautiful cards that you have sent to her. I spent some time in prayer with her this evening and she squeezed my hand as I talked about the many beautiful things that she has seen and accomplished in her lifetime including bicycling through Australia, teaching so many kindergartners in PE, empowering the many young people that she came accross ,(American Cancer society, Sun Microsystems, San Jose State, Girl Scouts of America and Notre Dame High School, among many others) to do great things and find their potential (I am definitely one of them!), defining her own family unit through her marriage to Christopher (Dad), and her amazing motherhood of me (daughter) through the way that she nurtured and challenged us and her grandchildren, watching the birth of my daughter Addison, and many more amazing memories. We gave thanks for the opportunity to truly LIVE in 50 years the way many won't even live in 90.
Rene has also been an undeniably fantastic wife and even through this troubled time, she has encouraged my dad to live a full and create, happy life until they are together again in heaven. She continues to look after her family including her parents and brother through this trying time. Just last night she was mostly asleep, but still managed to hear Cooper accross the room (and out of sight) tinkering with Honey's figurines, and reminded him to move away from them! She is still grandparenting at the end! That is Rene for ya! Most recently, she has given those closest to her a renewed perspective on life, and fueled each of our enthusiasm for how we live each day. She hasn't complained through this experience, but rather has furvently searched for peace. And peace is where she is tonight.
I can tell by the look in her eyes that she is ready to go. She is clearly uncomfortable with the heaviness of her body, and is almost ready to leave us for her heavenly home. She has reached acceptance and is now looking forward to being with God and seeing her big brother Mark, who will likely tease her for the next eternity! She is still not in pain (A little discomfort) and has only had the need for a tiny bit of morophine each night to sleep. She prefers to be as lucid as possible while she is awake, so that she can breath in the sights and sounds of those around her. In a nutshell, that is our Rene. Always wanting to take in everything around her, to meet the stranger sitting next to her, or squeeze her parents and grandchildren. As my dad put it, "she is a bright shining star who burned so bright, that she faded more quickly than most".
Please be at peace as you prepare yourself, knowing that Rene has lived an amazing (be it short) life here on this earth.
P.S. Your cards and blog posts have been amazing. We have been reading them each to her and she has a smile for all of you! Suzy Purnell- your "F**K Cancer" card was hilarious and definitely gave her a good laugh! It also got me to say "F**K" two times which were the first and last times she has ever heard me curse!!! :)I felt that under the circumstances, it was appropriate!
More soon.
Love,
Kristen
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
An end to Visits, and hello to rest
Rene is sharing these moments with all she can, but her energy is quickly gone, and her eyes closed most of the time. She is very much with us, but her body is working continuously to survive, an exhausting effort that only our Rene could maintain. Because of this we are asking that all her friends allow Rene to rest, and spend this time with her immediate family. We are all part of her extended, adopted, and loved family but this time is needed for her as well, to be peaceful and remain well rested.
Please leave your thoughts and prayers here, or in cards and letters as we read them to her everyday, and she finds so much comfort in all your words.
Rene's smile continues to light up the room, and her eyes follow the grand kids as they play, squeal and coo on the floor, a beacon of life and joy that she treasures. We are so blessed to share these moments with her, even as she rests most days. Please respect her wishes and know that she loves you all and truly appreciates the outpouring of love, prayers and kindness.
We love you Rene
Please leave your thoughts and prayers here, or in cards and letters as we read them to her everyday, and she finds so much comfort in all your words.
Rene's smile continues to light up the room, and her eyes follow the grand kids as they play, squeal and coo on the floor, a beacon of life and joy that she treasures. We are so blessed to share these moments with her, even as she rests most days. Please respect her wishes and know that she loves you all and truly appreciates the outpouring of love, prayers and kindness.
We love you Rene
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Joy
Hi all!
First off, sorry for the delay in blog postings -- things have been busy for those of us that are posting and we have let it go to the wayside a bit. Thank you for being faithful to check in here. We (I) will commit to posting more regularly. To answer those who have asked me, and those that may be wondering, things with Rene are currently the same. There have been no dramatic decreases or major events that have kept us from keeping you updated.
As Kristen wrote in the previous post, Rene is choosing joy in the small things, and we are too. All of your love, support, prayers, notes, and visits have really be true jewels of joy for Rene. While she is quite tired, and not feeling all that great, she loves how you are loving her. Please do not stop writing, calling, and most importantly, praying!
For those of you who may think that your comments on the blog, emails, and phone calls may be overwhelming, THINK AGAIN! While she is not able to respond to mail and/or phone calls you are her lifeline, so please keep it up!
Many have asked if you can help the family by blessing them with a meal, please see the attached link:
http://www.i-volunteeronline.com/ndsj.asp?EventId=A7QN010J3VCP
Read the instructions on that website and sign up!
I will post again tomorrow with an update! Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving and supporting Rene and her whole family!!
First off, sorry for the delay in blog postings -- things have been busy for those of us that are posting and we have let it go to the wayside a bit. Thank you for being faithful to check in here. We (I) will commit to posting more regularly. To answer those who have asked me, and those that may be wondering, things with Rene are currently the same. There have been no dramatic decreases or major events that have kept us from keeping you updated.
As Kristen wrote in the previous post, Rene is choosing joy in the small things, and we are too. All of your love, support, prayers, notes, and visits have really be true jewels of joy for Rene. While she is quite tired, and not feeling all that great, she loves how you are loving her. Please do not stop writing, calling, and most importantly, praying!
For those of you who may think that your comments on the blog, emails, and phone calls may be overwhelming, THINK AGAIN! While she is not able to respond to mail and/or phone calls you are her lifeline, so please keep it up!
Many have asked if you can help the family by blessing them with a meal, please see the attached link:
http://www.i-volunteeronline.com/ndsj.asp?EventId=A7QN010J3VCP
Read the instructions on that website and sign up!
I will post again tomorrow with an update! Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving and supporting Rene and her whole family!!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Icecream and Other Tiny Delights
Since she has been home, Rene has stuck to the living room of her childhood home. She feels the warmth of the living-room, surrounded by family and able to hear the small details of each activity going on around her. This is what she most desired when she learned that she was terminal. She wanted to be home, to be surrounded by her family, and to be amidst the daily hustle and bustle.
I have been spending a bit of time reflecting on what this means to Rene, and also what it means to me. To delight in the moments of the day is such a lovely concept, and sadly almost foreign to me. My life is noisy, loud even, and moves at the speed of sound! Rene sees the value in the daily activity, the loveliness of an update on a friend's life, watching Cooper and Great Grandpa go down the slide (Yes! Cooper got Albert to go on the slide twice!), an update from Honey about her Wednesday coffee group. Since I met Rene about 20 years ago, she has been this way. Regardless of what was happening in her life, she has always preferred sitting with family. Be it at her house, her in-law's house, her parent's house, she delights in the day-to-day. She delights in the moment, in the small but significant details that make up life.
I have learned a great deal from Rene about priorities. She teaches me to dream big, but appreciate the small details. She teaches me to be content. She teaches me that family is important, relationships are important, living is important. She teaches me that life is literally the small details, rolled up into a big memory. Life is not about the giant milestones, it is more about how we live in between those milestones. How we treat each other, how we appreciate the moments, how we respond to the highs and lows, and how we love.
Today my Dad reported that Rene had three servings of ice cream, and that she "sparkled" through the day. She is tired, and she is grieving, but she delighted in the small things today. She talked to family, she enjoyed the warmth of her childhood home, and she ate her ice cream. Today Rene continued to teach me as she always has, that the smallest of details are sometimes the most delightful. I am in awe of her as always.
xoxo
Kristen
I have been spending a bit of time reflecting on what this means to Rene, and also what it means to me. To delight in the moments of the day is such a lovely concept, and sadly almost foreign to me. My life is noisy, loud even, and moves at the speed of sound! Rene sees the value in the daily activity, the loveliness of an update on a friend's life, watching Cooper and Great Grandpa go down the slide (Yes! Cooper got Albert to go on the slide twice!), an update from Honey about her Wednesday coffee group. Since I met Rene about 20 years ago, she has been this way. Regardless of what was happening in her life, she has always preferred sitting with family. Be it at her house, her in-law's house, her parent's house, she delights in the day-to-day. She delights in the moment, in the small but significant details that make up life.
I have learned a great deal from Rene about priorities. She teaches me to dream big, but appreciate the small details. She teaches me to be content. She teaches me that family is important, relationships are important, living is important. She teaches me that life is literally the small details, rolled up into a big memory. Life is not about the giant milestones, it is more about how we live in between those milestones. How we treat each other, how we appreciate the moments, how we respond to the highs and lows, and how we love.
Today my Dad reported that Rene had three servings of ice cream, and that she "sparkled" through the day. She is tired, and she is grieving, but she delighted in the small things today. She talked to family, she enjoyed the warmth of her childhood home, and she ate her ice cream. Today Rene continued to teach me as she always has, that the smallest of details are sometimes the most delightful. I am in awe of her as always.
xoxo
Kristen
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