Thinking of you Rene, during this most holy of weeks. I am thankful for a great deal. For my family, for our home and food, for the work that sustains our lives, for our friends. Life tastes a bit different though, without you. Somehow blander, not so spicy. I know you want me to find the spice again, because you always found a way to spread it around to those who needed to be lifted up or energized. I promise to continue to work on that, and I hope that others are able to recover as well.
The pain of living without Rene doesn't really seem to leave, as I thought it would. It doesn't really even fade. I have just gotten more used to it than I was on August the 9th...but not so used to it that it doesn't still feel foreign. It nags at me in the back of my mind, and tugs at my soul. I suppose that is what people were describing in various books I have read, when writing about death, and how it makes us stronger. It is a burden somehow, a weight on the living, knowing that they will not see their loved one again, until they themselves are standing before the Lord. Grief is a new muscle that one must develop and use. You cannot go around it, you must go through it. You must own it. You must let it be a part of you.
Cooper still asks me when he will get to visit Grandma in heaven. I want to scream "NEVER!" because the idea of a 3 yr old in heaven scares me. But then I remember that he will be with Jesus, the greatest reward of all, and I tell him that one day, he will get to visit Grandma. One day we will all get to visit with her, and be in the presence of The Lord, together. I am thankful for that today, but also thankful that I am right where I am, grief and all.
Happy Good Friday, Holy week, Passover, Easter to all! Thinking of you and your amazing love and community. I hope that you all join me in thinking of Rene today as well.
Lots of love,